How to Talk to Partners About STIs

Conversations about sexual health and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) too often get sidelined or neglected because we can hide behind the excuse that “it’s too awkward”  or “it ruins the mood”. 

Though we have come a long way in medical treatment and management, the stigma that says STIs are dirty, shameful or a punishment for poor sexual decisions still remains at large. Each time we avoid sexual health conversations or treat it as if it’s a confession for our sins, we perpetuate this misinformation attached to STIs.

Why Talking about STIs Matters

How we talk about sexual health matters because it reinforces whose health and comfort gets to be prioritised. When we invite proactive and open conversations about testing and status, we get to set the standard of care in how we look after ourselves and those we choose to share our body with. To lead these conversations is an act of care and trust, and it recognizes sexual intimacy as the shared responsibility that it is. 

The excuse that “it ruins the mood” is no longer enough and it’s long overdue that we raise the bar of what is considered the bare minimum of safer sex practices and communication.

Not only are sexual health conversations part of ongoing and informed consent, but they’re also a fundamental part of great sex by creating relationships where we can talk about sex freely and without judgement. This allows us to feel safe with each other, and in turn better play, ask for what we want and assert our limits because we’re no longer distracted by the unspoken elephant in the room.

When to Talk to Partners about STI Testing

It’s recommended to have these conversations if: 

• You’re about to start having sex with someone new

• You have multiple partners

• Your partner has multiple partners or has cheated on you

• You and a partner are thinking about stopping using barrier protection

• If you or a partner have symptoms of a STI

How we bring up these conversations is an individual choice.

It’s more common now that folks might include their status on dating app profiles as a way of being upfront and efficient, for example: “I have HSV-1 so I’m looking for lovers who are open to chatting about safer sex and unlearning stigma”. Other paths might look like via text messaging, over the phone, in-person or using anonymous notification services like Tell Your Partner. 

As for time and place, it’s recommended to introduce these conversations outside of a sexual experience where everyone involved can make unrushed, informed and intentional choices about what they’d like to do. Starting the conversation could sound like, “I’m excited about where this is going and I’d love to talk about what helps us both feel safe and excited”. 

Accept that there is no such thing as perfect timing, but we can aim for good-enough or safe-enough timing. Consider what else you might need to feel comfortable to initiate the conversation, for example, privacy, a hand-hold, or links to STI resources.

How to Start a Conversation About Sexual Health

Opening up conversations that feel difficult or unpracticed is an intimacy skill worth learning. Gradually, you’ll learn what approach feels best for you, and what used to feel edgy starts to feel more easeful and relaxed over time.

Until that point, a helpful pointer is to speak from your own experiences and invite partners to share what feels comfortable for them. You can mention when you were last tested, what you were tested for, and whether you’ve had any new partners since then. Centre non-judgement and care in your words and actions, and make it explicit if a reminder feels helpful to take the pressure off, for example, “I’m not judging you, I’m practicing being more proactive with these kinds of things”. 

It is not the same as needing to know each other’s body counts or making negative judgements about one’s sexual choices, and it need not be a cold and clinical interrogation. Rather, it can be used as a bridge to other conversations about sexual preferences, fantasising about what you might like to explore together, or boundaries.

What to Ask a Partner About STI Testing

The question “are you clean?” in relation to STIs is outdated, stigmatizing and one we’re better off retiring. It carries an implicit moral judgement about someone’s cleanliness and worth: if someone is ‘clean’, the implication is that having an STI makes someone ‘dirty’. It’s also fairly unhelpful because it tells us very little. Specificity matters here because not all STI screenings are created equal and may not test for the same or every infection. 

Instead of asking “are you clean?”, trying asking more specific questions like: 

• “When were you last tested?” 

• “Do you know what you were tested for?” 

• “Have you had any new partners since then?” 

• “What kinds of barriers do you typically use?” 

• “Is there anything else you’d like me to know before we decide what feels good for us?” 

How to Disclose That You Have an STI

Having an STI or dating someone with an STI is not the scary experience that it’s made out to be. What often makes it a scary and isolating experience is again the sheer stigma and misinformation about what it actually entails. 

As the person with the STI, know that there is more to you than your sexual health status. It’s not a permanent barrier to satisfying sex, but provides a useful indicator or green flag for potential sexual partners who are open-minded and curious. You shouldn’t have to apologize for existing in a human body or for what you need.

Be clear and direct in what you choose to share. Empower yourself with relevant information or resources about treatments, management strategies and precautions.

Remember that these conversations are not a confession of your sins, it’s the sharing of health information and building of informed consent. Allow the other person space to ask questions and decide what feels comfortable for them.

As the Person Dating Someone with an STI

Get clear with yourself about the level of sexual health risk that you’re comfortable with. Educate yourself with the practical options available to you like barrier methods or preventative medications, and also how best to support your partner. 

When lifelong STIs such as herpes or HIV are part of the picture, it’s important to recognise that this will be an ongoing conversation. Sexual health isn’t a box we tick once and move on from. Symptoms, flare-ups, treatment and circumstances can change, and the menu of sexual activities on offer may need to evolve with them. STIs are only a barrier to satisfying sex if you both make it so.

When we can talk openly about sex, we set ourselves up for infinitely better sex. Consent here requires enough information to make a genuine choice and that includes our freedom to pause or say no if we’re not up for taking the risk that day.

What to Do if the STI Conversation Feels Awkward

The conversation feeling awkward does not mean that you should not have brought it up. Sometimes awkwardness is simply what honesty feels like. Let it be awkward. Let there be nervous laughter, imperfect wording, pauses and a request to come back to the conversation later if needed.

What matters is the difference between awkwardness and harm. Nervousness is welcome, but blame, judgement, coercion or ridicule are not. When we own our shared responsibility for sexual health, we remember that choosing to have these conversations is again an act of care and trust.

STIs Conversations Can Build Intimacy

When we challenge the stigma we’ve inherited around STIs, we see that braving these conversations around sexual health is part of intimacy rather than an interruption to it. 

Learning to stay when the conversation gets uncomfortable, asking for what you need without apologising for having a body, or making space for someone else’s boundaries without taking them personally are all skills of intimacy. 

Sexual health conversations aren’t about removing all potential risk or finding the perfect words. They’re about creating the conditions for trust, care, pleasure and choice. 

Now that’s sexy. 

By Selina Nguyen, Relationship and Sex Therapist, Founder, Come Back to Bed

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