How to Have Great Sex When You’re Feeling Insecure

You don’t need to feel sexy to deserve good sex

It can be surprisingly difficult to stay present during sex when you're busy thinking about how you're coming across to the person you’re having sex with.

You might be enjoying yourself and still wondering whether your stomach looks strange from that angle. You might be receiving oral sex while worrying that it's taking too long and your partner is getting bored. You might be trying to orgasm while simultaneously wondering whether you're making too much noise, not making enough noise, or doing something bizarre with your face.

When it comes to sex, we're expected to be completely immersed in the experience while also somehow being aware of how we look, sound, and act throughout it. This does not make for pleasurable experiences. It’s too much pressure.

A lot of those insecurities are learned. We're surrounded by very specific ideas about what a desirable body looks like, what "good" sex is supposed to look like, and how we're supposed to behave while having it. Porn, advertising, social media, television, past criticism, and gendered expectations all feed into that picture. It's easy to start watching yourself from the outside rather than paying attention to what's actually happening in your body.

And once you're busy evaluating yourself, it's much harder to actually enjoy yourself.

Here’s the thing. You don't need to become completely confident in your body before you can have good sex. You can feel awkward, self-conscious or unsure of yourself and still be turned on, connected and capable of enjoying what's happening. You can feel insecure about yourself and still have really good sex.

Notice whose standards you’re using

When you feel yourself getting self-conscious during sex, it can be useful to get curious about what you're actually judging yourself for.

Maybe you're worrying about how your body looks from a particular angle. Maybe you're convinced you're taking too long to orgasm, making too much noise, or somehow lacking the sexual knowledge you're supposed to have by now.

It's worth asking where those expectations came from.

We're surrounded by messages about what makes someone desirable and what "good" sex is supposed to look like. All that aforementioned porn, advertising, social media, gendered expectations and past personal experiences have a way of getting folded into the way we see ourselves. Sexual media in particular tends to present sex as something highly visual and polished. Real sex involves bodies moving around, awkward angles, strange noises, pauses, hair getting in the way and occasionally having to stop because someone's leg has gone completely dead.

When you notice yourself picking apart your appearance or sexual performance, try asking: Would I judge a partner this harshly?

Most of us would be considerably kinder to someone else than we are to ourselves. Honestly, we wouldn’t say half the shit we say to ourselves to a literal stranger on the bus. That little bit of perspective can help you notice when you're responding to your own body and when you're responding to a set of expectations you've absorbed along the way.

Get out of the audience and back into your body

There's a term we use in sex therapy for what happens when you start mentally watching yourself have sex instead of actually experiencing it: Spectatoring.

You're lying there thinking, Do I look attractive? Am I taking too long? Am I doing this correctly? Are they enjoying this enough? Am I doing OK at this? Meanwhile, the person who is supposed to be having the sexual experience is somewhere backstage.

Trying to force those thoughts away can make them even louder. Instead, direct your attention somewhere else. Notice the warmth of your partner's skin, the pressure of their hand, your breathing, the movement of your body, or whatever sensation feels most noticeable in that moment.

You can also make an adjustment. This can be as easy as changing positions, slowing down, saying what feels good, or asking for something different. If you've lost touch with your body, there's nothing wrong with pausing long enough to find it again.

Good sex requires being able to notice what's happening and then responding to it.

Stop treating orgasm like your performance review

Sexual insecurity can also creep in when your body isn't responding in the way you expected it to.

Maybe you're not getting aroused quickly enough. Maybe you're struggling to stay lubricated or maintain an erection. Maybe you've been having trouble reaching orgasm and are convinced you're somehow failing at sex.

Sexual response is affected by an enormous number of things, including stress, medication, hormones, sleep, stimulation, context and the nervous system. Desire and arousal don't always arrive on command, even when you're very attracted to the person you're with.

Faking pleasure or pushing through discomfort can feel like a way to avoid embarrassment in the moment, but it makes it much harder to communicate honestly about what's actually working.

Try getting curious instead. What kind of touch would feel better right now? More pressure? Less? A different pace? A toy? More time? Something completely different?

And remember that pleasure doesn't have to culminate in penetration, orgasm, or any particular sexual response. You are allowed to enjoy what feels good while your body is doing whatever it's doing.

Tell your partner what is happening

You can simply tell your partner what's going on rather than apologizing for being insecure.

Here are some things you can try saying:

"I’m feeling a little in my head tonight, so I may need to slow down."

"I want to be close, but I’m not feeling very confident in my body."

That's enough information for a caring partner to meet you where you are. They don't have to fix your insecurity. Sometimes what helps is reassurance. Sometimes it's dimmer lighting, keeping your shirt on, more verbal affirmation, a slower pace, or focusing on one kind of touch.

Making those adjustments can give you the space to relax, stay present, and enjoy the experience.

And if someone mocks you, dismisses your insecurity, or uses it against you, that's a different problem entirely. You don't need more sexual confidence to deserve basic kindness from a partner. If that happens, it just might be time to block, delete, and move on.

Make sex feel less like a test

It can be surprisingly freeing to take one outcome off the table.

Skip penetration for the evening. Forget about orgasm. Spend some time kissing, touching, giving each other massages, masturbating together, or using a toy. A small external vibrator can also be useful here, particularly if direct stimulation feels good, but you're tired of feeling like you have to "perform" your way toward an orgasm.

Choose positions because they feel comfortable and pleasurable, rather than spending the whole time wondering how you look from the outside. Solo sex can be useful here, too. It gives you the chance to pay attention to what feels good without worrying about how you're being perceived.

There is something reassuring about realizing you can ask for what you want, change your mind, say no to something, or suggest something different and the world doesn't end. Those small experiences can make it easier to trust yourself the next time you're in bed with someone else.

You can feel insecure and still make choices that help you feel good.

Your body is not a problem to solve before you can enjoy it

I'm not going to tell you to simply love your body. Sometimes you will. Sometimes you won't. Bodies are complicated, and demanding that you feel beautiful every time you look in the mirror can become another standard you're supposed to meet.

Body neutrality can be a much more useful place to start. You can feel ambivalent about your appearance and still respect your body. You can have parts you don't particularly like and still let that body experience pleasure.

You can have awkward moments, need a little reassurance, laugh halfway through, and still have really good sex. Some days you'll feel great in your body; other days you'll be much more aware of the bits you're not feeling so good about. Your ability to enjoy sex doesn't have to disappear along with your confidence.

Pay attention to what helps you feel comfortable and present, and ask for it. Turn the lights down. Keep your shirt on. Tell your partner what you need. Take your time. Let yourself be seen in the ways that feel good to you.

You don't have to love every part of your body before you're allowed to enjoy having one.

By Gigi Engle, Certified Sex Educator. Author of All The F*cking Mistakes.

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